What to Look for in a Spouse in Modern Years

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions a Muslim will ever make. The Prophet ﷺ said: “When someone whose religion and character pleases you proposes, then marry (him/her). If you do not do so, there will be tribulation in the earth and widespread corruption.” (Sunan Tirmidhi 1084)

This powerful hadith shows that marriage is not just a personal choice — it is a safeguard for society. Yet, many Muslims today feel confused about what truly matters when searching for a spouse. Social media, cultural pressure, and family expectations often overshadow the clear guidance of the Quran and authentic Sunnah.

This comprehensive, SEO-optimized guide lists the exact qualities Allah and His Messenger ﷺ emphasized when selecting a husband or wife — ranked by importance according to classical and contemporary scholars.

1. Deen (Religious Commitment) – The #1 Quality

The Prophet ﷺ was crystal clear: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, lineage, beauty, and religion. Choose the religious one, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Sahih Bukhari 5090, Muslim 1466)

This hadith applies equally to men. Imam Ibn Uthaymeen and other scholars explain that “religion” here means:

• Consistent prayer (especially Fajr in congregation for men)
• Strong knowledge and practice of core Islamic beliefs
• Good manners derived from faith (truthfulness, humility, modesty)
• Avoidance of major sins

A spouse with strong deen will help you reach Jannah, remind you when you forget, and bear difficulties with patience.

2. Akhlaq (Good Character) – The Practical Proof of Deen

The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi 3895) Look for:

• Kindness and gentleness in speech
• Control of anger
• Truthfulness and trustworthiness
• Respect toward parents and elders
• Humility and lack of arrogance

Red flags: frequent lying, explosive anger, backbiting, or disrespect toward service staff — these are signs of poor character that no amount of religiosity can fix.

3. Compatibility (Kuf’) – Emotional and Intellectual Match

The Prophet ﷺ encouraged marrying someone of compatible background when possible, not for superiority, but for harmony. Factors include:

• Similar level of religious practice
• Compatible life goals (children, career, hijrah, etc.)
• Emotional maturity and communication style
• Intellectual compatibility (you should enjoy talking to each other)

Scholars say emotional and mental compatibility is increasingly important in modern times to avoid constant friction.

4. Virginity or Chastity – Highly Emphasized in Sunnah

Jabir ibn Abdullah reported that the Prophet ﷺ asked him: “Have you married a virgin or a previously married woman?” When Jabir replied “previously married,” the Prophet ﷺ advised: “Why not a young virgin so you could play with her and she with you?” (Bukhari 5080)

This preference applies both ways — chastity and lack of previous relationships preserve emotional purity and reduce comparison.

5. Beauty and Physical Attraction – Permissible and Encouraged

Islam does not ask you to ignore attraction. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Look at her, for that makes it more likely that you will stay together.” (Tirmidhi 1087)

Physical attraction matters because it sustains affection and protects from temptation. However, beauty should never override deen and character.

6. Ability to Bear Children (Fertility)

Mughirah ibn Shu’bah narrated that when he proposed, the Prophet ﷺ asked: “Have you seen her?” Then he said: “Marry women who are loving and very fertile, for I will boast of your large numbers before the nations on the Day of Resurrection.” (Abu Dawud 2050, classed sahih)

This remains relevant today — ask appropriate medical questions early (with wali involvement) if family and children are your goal.

7. Good Family Background and Lineage

Anas ibn Malik reported: “Choose carefully for your seed, for lineage is influential.” (Ibn Majah 1939)

A righteous family often produces righteous children and provides better support during difficulties.

Qualities That Should NOT Be Your Main Criteria

• Wealth alone (can disappear overnight)
• Professional degrees or career status
• Social media following or “influencer” lifestyle
• Physical beauty without character
• Cultural or tribal prestige at the expense of deen

Practical Checklist: Questions to Ask (or Investigate Discreetly)

For both men and women:

1. Do they pray five times daily without reminders?
2. How do they speak about others when they’re not present?
3. How do they treat their parents and younger siblings?
4. Do they lower their gaze and observe hijab/modesty?
5. Are they known for honesty in financial dealings?
6. How do they react when things don’t go their way?
7. Do they have close friends who fear Allah?

Final Advice from the Prophet ﷺ

Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet ﷺ said: “If someone comes to you whose religion and character please you, then marry (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him.” (Tirmidhi 1084)

This hadith is a command to parents and guardians — do not delay or reject proposals for worldly reasons when deen and character are sound.

Conclusion

The perfect spouse doesn’t exist, but the right spouse does — someone whose strengths complement your weaknesses and whose presence brings you closer to Allah. Prioritize deen and character above everything else, and trust that Allah will place barakah in the rest.

Make this dua daily: رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا “Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us leaders for the righteous.” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:74)